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THE BEST DRUNK PRANK!!

Posted on 11:25 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 6 Comments »

Pescadores

Posted on 11:21 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 1 Comments »

Car Joke

Posted on 11:16 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 3 Comments »

Funny joke!

Posted on 11:13 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

Scary practical jokes, very funny


Posted on 10:40 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 1 Comments »

Computer Pwnage

Posted on 10:21 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

kid scared shitless

Posted on 10:17 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , , | 1 Comments »

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." 
Posted on 10:11 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

HEAD CHEF — A Practical Joke Not To Be Done At Home

Posted on 10:07 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 3 Comments »

Russian Practical Joke

Posted on 9:58 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 1 Comments »

the best practical joke ever...

Posted on 9:57 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

CAT FOOD

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner."Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified."You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
Posted on 11:22 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

CLEVER ! !

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a girlfriend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend."Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately Printable Version
Posted on 11:21 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

RUDE PARROT

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
Posted on 11:20 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

MEMORY PROBLEMS

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?""Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me.""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Posted on 11:20 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 1 Comments »

LAWYERS BMW

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined."You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" Rolex???!!!!!"
Posted on 11:19 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

GAMBLING

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny???s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, ???I think I broke his gambling???. The father asked how and she said, ???He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.??????DAMN!??? said the father.???What???s wrong????, the teacher asked. Little Johnny???s father said, ???This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher???s butt before the day was over!??? s butt before the day was over!???
Posted on 11:18 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

NEED LIGHT

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?""Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?""What? And work in the dark?"
Posted on 11:17 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

THE AFTERLIFE

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary... Mary... Is that you Fred? Yes, I have come back like we agreed. What is it like? Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. till late at night, sleep then start all over again. Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven. Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.
Posted on 11:17 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

HERPES

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string. He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam."Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." says the little boy."Sonny, I think you're a little young for that." replies the madam. The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand."One lady coming up." says the madam."And I want her to have herpes," says the little boy."Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean." The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam."One dirty girl, coming up," she says. The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says,"Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?" The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna***** her and SHE'S going to get the herpes. Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and ***** her and HE'S going to get the herpes. Then when my dad gets home, he's going to ***** my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes. Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and ***** my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY ***** FROG!"
Posted on 11:16 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
Posted on 11:16 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

DONATING BODY FLUIDS

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
Posted on 11:14 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

CASTAWAYS

A six-year old boy was the only survivor of a sinking ocean liner; he made it to an uninhabited island in the South Pacific and learned to live on his own over the course of the years. Much later, a fancy yacht sank and a beautiful young woman came swimming up to his island. He pulled her to shore, delighted to finally have some company. She asked him, "How have you gotten along here by yourself?" have you gotten along here by yourself?""I've found different plants to eat, I dig for clams, and I occasionally can spear a fish in the lagoon""How long have you been here?""Almost twenty years.""Well, you probably never even knew about sex, then, did you?""What's that?" So she shows him. Afterwards she asked him what he thought about what they'd just accomplished. He said, "Well, it was just fine, but look at what it did to my clam digger
Posted on 11:14 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

SNORING PROBLEMS

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can???t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."
Posted on 11:13 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

TOILET PAPER

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice,"Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away"
Posted on 11:12 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 1 Comments »

FIXED HEARING

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a re-check. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Posted on 11:12 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

SNORING ROOMATE

by the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken."You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where.""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.""No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager."Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?""Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine."How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained."I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Posted on 11:11 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

OLD AGE

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landin of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "Tha must be the door, I'll get it!"
Posted on 11:06 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

THE FUNERAL

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"
Posted on 11:05 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

TOUGH OPERATION

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, ???What are you in here for???? The second kid says, ???I???m in here to get my tonsils out, and I???m a little nervous.??? The first kid says, ???You???ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It???s a breeze.??? The second kid then asks, ???What are you here for???????A circumcision,??? the first kid answers.???Whoa!??? the second kid says. ???Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn???t walk for a year.???
Posted on 11:05 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

LITTLE OLD MAN

A woman walked up to a little old ma rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy y look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, an never exercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "H old are you?'"Twenty-six."
Posted on 11:04 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

PAYING THE BILL

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill." pay the bill
Posted on 11:03 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

CHICKEN AT THE MOVIE'S

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!""I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I know...but this one's eating my popcorn!"
Posted on 11:02 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

HAPPY HANGOVER

Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"""Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Posted on 11:02 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

OBESTETRICIAN

ECatherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you...""I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.""No, that's not it," Catherine confessed."He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Posted on 11:01 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , , | 0 Comments »

WANDERING DOG

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Posted on 10:59 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

FORTH HUSBAND

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time."How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?""He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.""Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?""He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.""Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.""He died of a broken neck.""A broken neck?""He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Posted on 10:59 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

ATTITUDE

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said."That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes." Printable
Posted on 10:58 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

DEFINITE DEFINITION

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. herself. Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?" so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear.""Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand."Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher."Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies."Yes.""Do farts have lumps?""No. Why do you ask.""Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
Posted on 10:56 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , , | 0 Comments »

6 MINUTES LATE

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late. meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
Posted on 10:55 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

THE HUNTER

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!""That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear.""That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. P
Posted on 10:54 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

3 TIMES A CHEAT

asks his wife, ???Betty, have you ever cheated on me???? Betty replies, ???Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don???t want to ask that question.??????Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.??????Well, all right. Yes, three times?????????Three?!? Well, when were they???? he asked.???Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? But, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked???? ???Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can???t be too upset about that. Well, when was number 2???? ???Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself???????Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that???????So, all right then, when was number 3???????Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short????
Posted on 10:53 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

NOW WHO SAID THAT

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.?? Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Posted on 10:52 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under , | 0 Comments »

KINKY PARROTS

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
Posted on 10:51 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under | 0 Comments »

MURDER TRIAL

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. convicted, decided to try a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty."But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.""Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!" Printable Version
Posted on 10:50 AM by jeremy elijah and filed under | 0 Comments »

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